Depressed

Yesterday, actually early evening, Tony was doing my second dressing change of the day when he noticed, on the second incision scar on my back, at the very bottom, what looked like it was starting to slit open the way the other one had. We take a picture of my back every day, so I can see it as well. When Tony pointed out the split I immediately called my doctors office, and after speaking with them, they told me to text the picture to the doctor.

We ended up having to go right to the doctors office, so they could access the problem. Thankfully, it isn't another problem starting up. It is very superficial, maybe a scab had just come off. I was so happy that something else wasn't going wrong!

We finally got home around 7 pm, and Tony got ready for bed, we said our evening prayers, and I don't know if it was because of the worry or what, but everything suddenly just fell apart for the both of us. Many, many tears were shed, with the both of us. 

Even after Tony went to sleep, I found myself, very unsettled. I usually lay down on the sofa and watch TV for a while, catching up on my recorded shows, or if I am in the middle of a book, I will read for a couple of hours, before taking myself off to bed. But last night, I was restless and still having occasional crying outbursts. This is very unusual for me. 

I finally had to take a Xanax. About 11 pm I went to bed. And when I woke in the morning, I was still having that unsettled feeling. In the early afternoon I lay down to take a nap, and I remember waking up after having a nightmare. The whole rest of the day I was feeling very sad and depressed. I just couldn't shake off this soul deep depression. 

We made an early dinner, and after we ate I went to take a shower, I just stood there under the hot water, crying. 

Tony changed my dressing again, and helped me with some laundry. I was still feeling very much out of sync with myself the rest of the evening. Then Tony said he was going to go to bed, and could I come in so we could say our prayers. Afterwards, I talked with him for a little while, and went back into the living room, and suddenly I felt almost like myself again. 

I am going to get ready for bed now, and I think an extra set of evening prayers are definitely in order tonight.

I miss you Jennifer so very much, and it hurts all the time. I love you more than ever, my little honey bunny!