Today actually started out of, I got up, had some coffee, took a shower and got ready to go out to a Red Hat Society luncheon that was for the April birthdays, which mine was. Any ways we met up at Bahama Breeze, I had never been there before, it is a very nice restaurant. There were ten of us there, all decked out in purple with red hats, except me, because in your birthday month you where red with a purple hat. So I am sure we made quite the entrance. All of the ladies are so very nice, they had decorated the table with confetti and a birthday star for my place setting. I had a wonderful time.
The really bad part started when I got home. The guest bathroom toilet got clogged and I couldn't get it unclogged to save my life....luckily it never overflowed, so I left it for my husband to deal with. But that was nothing compared to the way I have been feeling all afternoon. Since about 2:30 pm the waterworks descended upon me....I cried and cried, and then cried even more. I took one of my xanax, which usually calms me down within 15 - 20 minutes. Not working at all. The leader or administrator of my support group has told me many, many times to call if I need anything. Well today I took her up on her offer. Marcia lost her daughter almost five years ago, (I asked her at our last meeting if it would be OK to use her name.) So I called, crying and blubbering on the phone, we talked for almost an hour...and I did feel a little better afterwards. Grief has its own way of dealing with each and everyone of us. For me, writing helps.
However, I was in exactly the same position about an hour later, the tears running unchecked down my face, I couldn't even be bothered to wipe them away....what was the point when so many kept brimming in my eyes. I have no real understanding of why I was suddenly begging God to give me back my daughter back, He and I had had this conversation many many times, though less in the last few weeks. I know that my daughter is gone. I know she is with me every single day, but even knowing that, doesn't mean that I wouldn't make some kind of deal to have her back. I am told this is normal, but the thing is, do I want this "normal"? Anyone of us would move heaven and earth to get back what we have lost.
I am thankful in more ways that I could express for all the wonderful people in my support group. They genuinely care about us, about where we are in this grief process. They all tell us that there is no "schedule" to keep, no milestones that we are expected to meet or that something must be wrong with us. No, they simply give us their support, their kindness and understanding. I am thankful everyday for them being in our lives, even though none of us would have chosen to be on this path, and would give anything to not be where we are now. I am so thank each and everyone of them...those that come to the meetings, and those who have reached out to me/us in different ways. I have received comments or email messages from people who have not attended a meeting in a long while, yet they are here for me as well, as if they were indeed there in the meeting. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to those of you who have reached out to me.
Well, apparently I am not quite done with the crying, so I will close now. I am going to go lay down with my husband for a bit, I think we both need each others strength right ow.
Oh, Donna, my heart cries for you and this most difficult time. In the early months, I cried several oceans. I remember thinking, "can I just time-travel forward to when this pain won't be so searing?" Yet, now I am OK with having gone through such difficult moments of wailing and screaming - yes, screaming. How can it be any different? This isn't some little thing that has been lost, this is a part of me, a relationship that started before birth. Why would I let him go so lightly or quickly, as I might have lost a necklace or my car totalled in a wreck? I won't say that time heals - I don't feel "healed." I feel changed. As time goes by, I realize that this change is forever. For me the tears had to be shed, according to my personality, a very emotional personality. I lived my life before Gary's passing with zeal and passion, truly enjoying the fun moments, laughing out loud, even when alone. In the same way, I lament his passing and my loss of him with the same passion, full of emotion and tears, and sorrow.
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