It's Year One all over again

It's the first year, all over again. The constant breakdowns, it doesn't matter what we are doing at the time.  He will suddenly be crying, but the kind of crying that rips your heart apart, and feels like both your heart and soul are being ripped vivacious being torn from the very depths of your body. I am helpless to know what to do for him.

His biggest fear is that he is not sure that Heaven exist. Although, in my mind, with all the signs he has received from her, make me question why??! For goodness sakes, she reached out, with the assistance from God, and Jesus, and poked him in the should three times! My goodness what more would anyone else need?

But not my husband. No he still carries this tiny seed of doubt. I know, with complete certainty and confidence that Heaven does indeed exist. But I have always had, and always will have, faith. That is where he falls short. I encourage him continuously that she couldn't have done that or the many other things she has done if she weren't in fact, in Heaven.

Then we finally get to the root of all of this angst....he is thinking that Jennifer would be turning 29 this year. For someone who says that her birthday, or the day she died are just another day, why is he so hung up on her aging? To me, when you are in Heaven, you can be any age you happen to want to be that day. Many may argue with my belief, however I believe this because Heaven is supposed to be anything you want and need it to be, because I believe that it comes down to this.....God wants you to be happy, and filled with joy and love in Heaven. So then, why couldn't, myself for example, if I am in Heaven, and I wish to relive the day that my daughter was born? This was, and is my most joyous day of my life. I believe that God would give me this desire, simply because of how joyous and filled with a love I had never, ever dreamed existed, and the second I saw my daughter I was filled with all of these emotions never experienced before, and in my case, never to be repeated again.

Yet, I remain filled with this unconditional love for my daughter, now and always.

This is MY vision of Heaven. Yours may be very different, and that's fine, because it's yours. This particular one is a brief description of mine.

So, I told my husband to stop thinking of her aging. Think instead of perhaps my vision of Heaven, and then perhaps you will find your own. But it won't be in your head, it will be in your heart.

My blog, or blogs, actually

These posts are primarily written for a couple of different reasons.  First,  and foremost, I use them as an outlet for all of the many, many different emotions that I have had, and am still having everyday, since we lost Jennifer.

Secondly, I hope that my writing can help  other parents, going through the very same emotions that I, myself have gone through, and the new ones that I am facing each and every day.

Initially I started my blog with Google, back in early 2013. I started my blog a few months after our daughter Jennifer passed away suddenly. She was 23 at the time of her death, and her birthday was just 24 days away, from the day she passed away. She would have been 24 years old, so very young, and still living at home with us, when she passed away.

I started this blog as a safe haven for myself, and for all of the horrifying emotions that I was suddenly facing.
Sometimes I am so heartbroken that I don't think that anyone could put my shattered heart back together, most especially...myself.

What do I expect from myself? This has been a reoccurring question that I ask myself from time to time. I have yet to come up with an answer.

Changes

I have been seriously considering one of two things to do with my blog. One, to go back to Googles blogspot and transfer everything from WordPress back to blogspot. Or, since I now have two domains for two blogs, I was thinking about setting up a website that would have links to both blogs, as well as other stuff, such as images, and my page, email sign up, etc.  But I think that I need someone else to do the actual website setup, so I can just do what I actually enjoy doing,  and that is just writing. If I go the website route it would be nice to just log in whenever I wanted to,  and just write, on whichever domain I felt I needed to write on.
They are actually setup quite differently. The first one is about my/our lives since we lost our daughter Jennifer.  the second one is actually more personal,  as it is setup as personal letters that I am writing to my daughter Jennifer, each entry begins with Dear Jennifer, and then proceeds as a letter that I am writing to Jennifer.
I kind of like the idea of the website being setup for me, allowing me to just write. I need to seriously look in to how much it would cost to have someone build my website.
So that will be the plan for next week I think.
I believe that I will have a lot of research to do in the very, very near future.

Life changes

So much has gone on in our lives, in the past five or six months, that I truly haven't a clue where or what to begin with.

I don't remember where I left off, or where I should begin. I know that I was having issues with my laptop keyboard, some letters would repeat themselves, while others, no matter how many different ways I would push the key, or how hard, it refused to be typed. And when it finally did produce the letter I wanted, it would print itself in triplicate! Very frustrating!

So I am using my Kindle right now, because I can at least get back on track with my blog. I sincerely appreciate anyone and everyone who has read my blog for their extreme patience during the period that I seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. My apologies. I am still here!

In March we moved from the home that we had lived in for the past 10 years. It is the home that our daughter Jennifer died in. We stayed there for two more years after her death, as we just couldn't bear the thought of leaving it, and everything that it would entail leaving. Finally though it came down to the cost. When I became disabled we took a huge hit financially, and could no longer afford to live there.

We moved in with a friend for what was supposed to be a couple of months, however Tony became very ill with double pneumonia and was off work for five weeks. Thankfully, our friend was so very kind and considerate over how long we ended up staying with him.

In the middle of June, after exhausting searches for a place to live, we had applied and been accepted to rent a mobile home, and were just waiting for the right one, when I stopped in at one of the sister properties and lucked into a sweet deal on a two bedroom, 2 bath home that had just been reduced. I looked at it and put a deposit down on it that day.

Sorry, my computer internet was offline for days

I first way to thank anyone who reads my blog. Secondly, my Internet was offline for about a week, which drove me to distraction.

Now that I am back online I will proceed with moving. My blog to my new domain, but it will still have the same name. I will begin the process of moving everything over to the already prepared WordPress account. With just a few minor tweaks, I should be up and blogging again regularly.

I am very excited about this move, and believe it will allow me more to offer my readers.

So, hopefully the next time I blog it will be on the new WordPress site.

My domain name is still LovingandlosingJennifer, but now with a www in front and a dot com at the end. I believe that this will make the blog easier to find.

Also I will have some rather big news to share.

Well I haven't really gotten comfortable with the new blog

Well I haven't gotten comfortable with the new blog yet, but I have all these emotions swirling around in me, and I have to have a place to get them out. Tomorrow I plan on spending the day with the new blog, but until tomorrow...My therapist that I have been seeing, has asked me what types of books I have been reading, after I told her that I am an avid reader, and I am always on my Kindle. So she asked me what kinds of books have I read since Jennifer passed.

I told her that I have read a lot of books about mediums, about the afterlife, about Heaven, and reuniting with my Jennifer. She asked me if I had read any books specifically about grief, and losing your child. I told her no I haven't. So she suggested that I find some books dealing with that.

So I did, and found a book titled, "Grief and the loss of your child". It's not a very long book, but as I was reading the introduction, I could already feel my eyes begin to burn. On to the first chapter, as I was reading, tears are already filling my eyes. By the second chapter I was full on crying. The pain I felt was like someone was ripping my heart out of my chest.

I never made it to the third chapter. By then I was crying so hard, I would never have been able to read the words.

Tony asked me what was wrong, so I told him what the therapist had suggested I read, and to be completely honest the only thing I got out of the little bit I had read was pain. The other books offered hope, where all I got from the two chapters I read of this other book was pain.

Why would she want to put me in a position where I would feel more pain than I already felt on a daily basis?

This will be the question for her on my next appointment.

moved to WordPress

Just in case I miss anyone who has been reading my blog, I can now be found at www.LovingandlosingJennifer.com. or through WordPress.