Dark places

Seven months have now passed since I lost my only child, my sweet Jennifer. At 23 she still had so much ahead of her. Of us. I try to not think about the what could have been....a relationship, maybe a grand child, a lifetime still ahead with my best friend. 

Going there brings me to very dark places where there is only pain. But there are times when the dark places catch you no matter how hard you try to fight them. 

Everyone thinks I am so strong, or doing so much better. But sometimes I can't escape the darkness, I don't feel strong. I let the darkness take over. Sometimes I am simply not strong enough. I miss her every second of everyday. I cry still everyday, Some night my tears soak my pillow, and other nights I hide in the darkness on our balcony. The darkness there is soothing, it encloses me, and hides my grief from everyone.

I miss her touch. I miss her scent. I miss her!!

Sometimes the dark places beckon, and I am lost in swirling distant memories. I long to hear her voice. Long to touch her soft skin or brush her beautiful hair from her face. I fall... into the dark place, I see only the Jennifer from that night in the hospital. Or I see her, the very last time I was able to see her, at the mortuary. Her body so cold, yet achingly beautiful. I touch her cold skin, and I know from the coldness she is gone. Forever gone from me, from us. 

Everyday I physically fight these dark places. I know the darkness is there, and yes, at times I wonder what it would feel like to just surrender, to the darkness. The soothing dark, it's very quiet, only me there, breathing. Until the "movie" of my life, my Jennifer, starts to play. 

I have gotten very good at pretending. Keeping busy. 

But I still think about the dark place everyday...