It's Year One all over again

It's the first year, all over again. The constant breakdowns, it doesn't matter what we are doing at the time.  He will suddenly be crying, but the kind of crying that rips your heart apart, and feels like both your heart and soul are being ripped vivacious being torn from the very depths of your body. I am helpless to know what to do for him.

His biggest fear is that he is not sure that Heaven exist. Although, in my mind, with all the signs he has received from her, make me question why??! For goodness sakes, she reached out, with the assistance from God, and Jesus, and poked him in the should three times! My goodness what more would anyone else need?

But not my husband. No he still carries this tiny seed of doubt. I know, with complete certainty and confidence that Heaven does indeed exist. But I have always had, and always will have, faith. That is where he falls short. I encourage him continuously that she couldn't have done that or the many other things she has done if she weren't in fact, in Heaven.

Then we finally get to the root of all of this angst....he is thinking that Jennifer would be turning 29 this year. For someone who says that her birthday, or the day she died are just another day, why is he so hung up on her aging? To me, when you are in Heaven, you can be any age you happen to want to be that day. Many may argue with my belief, however I believe this because Heaven is supposed to be anything you want and need it to be, because I believe that it comes down to this.....God wants you to be happy, and filled with joy and love in Heaven. So then, why couldn't, myself for example, if I am in Heaven, and I wish to relive the day that my daughter was born? This was, and is my most joyous day of my life. I believe that God would give me this desire, simply because of how joyous and filled with a love I had never, ever dreamed existed, and the second I saw my daughter I was filled with all of these emotions never experienced before, and in my case, never to be repeated again.

Yet, I remain filled with this unconditional love for my daughter, now and always.

This is MY vision of Heaven. Yours may be very different, and that's fine, because it's yours. This particular one is a brief description of mine.

So, I told my husband to stop thinking of her aging. Think instead of perhaps my vision of Heaven, and then perhaps you will find your own. But it won't be in your head, it will be in your heart.