Early Morning''s

I don't know why but for some reason I can't sleep past 4:30 am anymore. I wake up at that time no matter what time I went to bed. And there have been a lot of times that I don't go back to bed. I read, most of the time, out on the patio. I pretty much do anything to distract myself, anything to avoid thinking about her being gone. Because if I stop to long, pause to long, and have time to remember, I will be lost. 

If I have to think about her being gone, then the pain will wash over me, drowning me in overwhelming waves. It will be nine month in a few days, and I still feel the pain just as acutely as if it just happened. Time doesn't seem to be making much of a difference. If I pause my heart hurts. 

If I let the grief come, my heart squeezes, like it is caught in a vice. Thinking of her...just those three little words bring so much pain. I never knew that such pain existed, that the human mind and body could hurt this much. But just the act of thinking about my daughter, missing her, loving her, hurts. 

I ask why sometimes. Still to this day, I ask God why, why did He take my child? I don't have any answers yet. I still get angry, I still feel her loss just as acutely as if it just happened, the pain never leaves. It can be pushed to the back of my mind momentarily, but it will never leave. 

And in these early morning hours, when it can be so quiet, the pain finds me. And I can't breathe. My heart is hurting. Tears are falling. And I miss her so very much.