Anniversary dates

I seem to be more emotional recently, Jennifer's monthly anniversary is only a few days away and I have been more melancholy of late, or I should say, every month around this time. It doesn't seem to make any difference that this will be nine months, it might as well be nine days, nine weeks, whatever. All I know is that it hurts a little more intensely around, or leading up to the 5th of every month.

I miss her so very much. I thought with time, some of these really intense emotions would lessen. But I still feel like I have been just been hit by a sledgehammer sometimes. And the feeling usually just comes from out of the blue. It still takes my breath away, the pain so intense it can bring me to my knees. In the last support group meeting, a couple of people said it will get worse before it gets better. Worse?? I don't know if either Tony or I can stand worse, it already feels like we are in hell. 

I think she has been visiting her room a lot lately, because our cat Chansey wants in her room several times a day, instead of his usual one every couple of days. He will go and sit in front of her bedroom door, which is always closed and meow wanting in. Sometimes I can distract him away, or I shoo him away, but lately he won't allow that. Like I shoo him away but he continues to go back to hew door over and over until one of us lets him in.

I still pray and talk to God at least once a day, but usually it is more frequently.  Last night I was asking  Him why he wasn't answering my pray regarding my husband. I don't think I have ever asked that question before. I am just having a little bit of a crisis of faith right now. There is just so much I am trying to understand, and I usually just say my prayers and put everything in His hands and let His love and comfort wash over me. But I am really struggling right now. 

Tony has taken a small step in faith, he said he was trying to be that mustard seed, and for him that is a HUGE step. I thought that was what God wanted from him, and that until he did start to put his faith in God, he wasn't going to hear from Jennifer. He couldn't receive his no doubt sign until he had faith. Now I am not sure. Frankly I am now not sure where we need to go from here. Other than to continue to hold on to our individual faith, and pray that it will come in time.

It is just so hard. All the time. How are we ever going to survive this?! How do parents go on after such a traumatic loss? Losing your child is the very worst trauma I think could ever happen. 

We just miss her so very much all the time. Our hearts ache and we hurt all the time. This terrible pain is never going to go away.