Grieving

The last week or so have been  very difficult. I seem to be in a never ending cycle of grief. My emotions seem to be at the forefront of my life everyday recently. It takes so little to start a storm of crying, and as in a recent post, I had said I feel like screaming most of the time. 

I in fact do feel as if I am screaming...My mouth wide open to let the screams out, yet they are soundless screams and cries of soul deep anguish. No matter what I do to try and control them, or at least contain these feelings, they are always right there, just under my skin, like a splinter. 

I am exhausted and feel so defenseless against this soul crushing, heart breaking pain. I am feeling overwhelmed, and swept away in this tidal wave of grief. 

Where did this sudden onslaught come from? After everything that happened with regards to Tony' s surgery, and now recovery phase, things seemed to settle back down. He is home, and will start physical therapy next week, so I am not running back and forth to the hospital and then rehab facility. I should be feeling more relaxed. His surgery went well and he is healing very well. Everything seems to be back on track in our lives, or is at least on the road to getting back on track. He is tentatively scheduled to return to work on the 19th of August. Also, according to a supervisor at the disability office, she said I should be receiving a letter regarding my disability claim shortly. Still don't know if I have been approved or denied, they can't tell you that over the phone. But still, things are at last moving along, if I am approved...great. If I am denied, then I can at least go to the next stage of getting an attorney.

So I am wondering, why am I falling to pieces all the time now? Not even reading helps to distract me, as it has always done in the past. 

I feel broken, more so than I did after Jennifer's death. I am lost and in indescribable pain.