I'm screaming in my head

So many breakdowns today. I don't know what triggered today's bouts of crying. It started around lunch time, maybe a little earlier, I really don't remember, but they seemed to come from out of the blue, there seemed to be no triggers just sudden overwhelming grief. 

The first one came over me as I was making lunch for Tony and I, before he had to go to the doctors for his first post op visit, and I suddenly just started crying for no obvious reason. Of course, this starts just as Tony is coming into the kitchen to get something drink, when he looks at  me and asks me what's wrong? I try to shrug it off, knowing that if I get started he will also. But he is persistent, and he knows me well enough, and he can see the pain on my face. So I simply told him that lunch was ready, and practically ran into the bathroom.

Sitting on the side of the tub, I am engulfed with grief. I  can't stop the tears from falling, and my mouth is opened in a silent scream. I hold onto the edge of the counter top and grip it for dear life, like you would with some one's hand, I feel myself being pulled deeper and deeper into my pain. I don't know why I am suddenly overwhelmed with emotions. The pain is unrelenting, and shows no sign of easing up...I keep a hold of the counter top for dear life, it is my anchor right now, as the pain swirls around me like a tornado. 

I have never felt the urge to scream before in my life, except for the night that we lost our Jennifer, sitting in that little room, while someone was telling me that my daughter was dead. But right now, if we weren't in an apartment, where it would most certainly draw unwanted attention, and probably unwelcomed questions to be answered as well, and if my husband, who is so vulnerable right now, weren't in the next room, well then I might be screaming my head off. The urge is so strong...this primal cry of anguish that demands release. But I won't release it. Instead I will gasp for each breath, trying my damnedest to push this feeling down, to bury it once again. I cannot face it now. I don't know if I ever will be able to. 

Oh I know it will resurface time and time again, whether I want to face it or not. Whether I am ready to or not. The primitive urge to unleash this pain inside of me. Will I ever be ready to acknowledge the full spectrum of what I have lost?  Or will I always be this person that I am right now, the one that keeps trying to keep it all at bay?