Hot tears fall from my eyes, streaming down my face and falling like rain drops. I see them fall upon my hands and upon the couch cushions, I am looking at the droplets of water as if wondering how they got there. I know that they are mine, from my eyes, as I can feel the wetness, running down my face, and see my vision blur as more and more tears fill my eyes. Yet I also feel as if I am outside of myself, trying to distancing myself from the pain I can see on my "other" self.
There is no running away from this pain. It comes like a thief in the night, stealing my strength and my breath.
My arms wrapped tightly around myself. I am engulfed in pain. There are a thousand knives slashing and cutting my heart into ribbons. I feel a bottomless ocean of pain, all the way down deep in my soul. I cannot withstand this intense, unrelenting agony...I am undone.
How can a human body withstand such agony?
I fall to the floor, curling my body in, drawing my knees up and wrapping my arms around myself, trying to hold myself together, to withstand this storm. The tears continue to fall....
At some point I can feel the tears slowing, hoping that this storm is passing. I know there will be many, many more.
How else am I to deal with this loss? I pray, I go to support group, I talk to my husband, to my Mom, and other family members and friends. I am doing what I need to do to try and find a way to lessen this pain. To learn how to go on with my life and learn to live with this loss.
I never have to accept that my daughter is no longer with me, because she is still with me. There are just some days that I cry out to her, begging God to give her back to me. I tell her that I don't know if I can do this, but that I am trying. I tell her how much I miss her every second of every day, and how much I love her. It doesn't take away the pain....it just lets some of it out.
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