More Days of sadness

Tony seems to be doing a little bit better, in the sense that he doesn't come home, and start crying the minute he walks through the door.  So I guess that is better. We both now pray, almost every night, at the foot of her bed, he usually start's and then I finish. That is a good thing that has come about. 

However, now that he seems to be managing a little better, I seem to be going in the opposite direction. One of the therapist that we went to initially said that due to my nature as a caregiver, I would naturally put Tony's needs above my own.  I am not saying that he isn't there for me whenever I need him, he is. It is just that I am home so much right now, because I am unemployed, so I will tend to grieve by myself, not because I have to, but because it just seems to happen that way.  

I got through Mother's Day somehow, mostly by ignoring it.  And  I thought that things would start to ease up a little. But apparently my mind thinks that I am able to start dealing with my grief.  I break down very easily, missing my Jennifer so much!! What I wouldn't give to have just an hour with her once again.  I would hold her, and tell her how very much her Dad and I miss her, and how much we love her. When our time was up, I would hug her and tell her to please watch over us and send us signs from her as often as possible. And that we would hopefully be with her again soon.  Just knowing she is ok and safe, no longer experiencing the pain she endured so much of during her life, and knowing she could see us and be with us while we were still on this earth.  

I miss you so very much Jennifer.  I am sorry that I am so sad all the time, and that I know you hate it when I cry. Just know that all my tears are because I miss you so much that I love you more than anything. I will continue to love you for the rest of my life here on this earth, until I draw my very last breath....