It seems to be getting harder

In a couple of weeks it will be six months since my daughter passed away. It doesn't seem like it has been that long. How can it be possible that it has been that long already? It still feels like it just happened a few days or weeks ago. How can that much time have gone by already?

Every night now, Tony and I go into Jennifer's bedroom, and we kneel side by side at the foot of her bed. Tony says the Lord's Prayer and then he prays to God that He keep our daughter safe and free of pain, as she suffered so much during her life here on earth. He asks Jesus to help us, and that we know that Jesus died for the whole world's sins, so he knows that Jennifer is in heaven, because God would not keep her out of heaven just because she was intelligent and questioned blind faith. He talks to both God and Jesus, and he gets very choked up asking them both for help, to take care of Jennifer and to keep her safe until we can be with her again. 

Our lives will forever be this way, we will always grieve for our daughter. Our lives are filled with such a deep sorrow, it literally takes our breath away. 

After he has finished his prayers, he leaves to go take a shower, and go to bed. I remain in her room, still on my knees, pleading with God to hear our cries and to send His angels to us, to help us and lend us comfort. I also ask God to take care of our Jennifer, until we can be with her once more as a family. 

My tears fall like rain, my heart is broken and aching. Pain surrounds me as I weep for what has been lost, I tell Jennifer over and over again that I miss her and how much her Dad and I love her, as I picture the rest of my life ahead without her. The only thing that I see right now for our future is this unrelenting sorrow. We will never again be the same people that we were before. Now we will always have this pain in our lives. It will never ever go away. I know that this is our life now. I accept the pain, I realize that we will somehow have to find a way to live with it. One day it will go away...it will leave us when we take our last breath on this earth. Only then will we be rid of our pain and sorrow, because the second we take our last breath, we will be holding our daughter again. 

We will never intentionally do anything to hasten the end of our lives, and it may be wrong, but I do ask God to please not make us wait too long for that day to come. Each day, month and year longer seems like an eternity. And there are some days, that every second seems like an eternity. All we really can look forward to is that day when we can once again touch our daughter, hold her close and never let her go.