Since my last couple of posts, I put a lot of my melancholy down to mothers day and all of that. Then I thought I was starting to f I anally feel my grief, Tony was having less days of horrible, all consuming grief and pain, and there now seemed to be room for some of mine to finally come to front and center, where I could know longer hide behind my "caretaker role". Now I am not trying to say that I was forced to put my own pain and grief after Tony, because that isn't the case at all. It is my natural personality to take care of my family. And trust me, I am a huge worry wort about every little thing, usually making mountains out of molehill seems to be a specialty of my own. For instance, if Tony happened to be working really large gr8 e one night at work, until he would call me and tell me he was on his way home, I would not stop worrying until he actually walked through the door...and in the meantime, my mind would continue to commit up all sorts of horrifying thing after the other. The same would always hold true towards Jennifer, whenever she happened to be out with friends, whether she herself was driving or not. And it waste that I didn't have confidence in her driving abilities it was worrying about all the other drivers out there! She was always so responsible...if anyone wan tree ed to ride with her, they buckled up, whether they wanted to or not. With her, it was more like...you ride with me and wear your seat belt or you didn't ride with her.End of discussion.
She got her learners permit at 16, just like any other 16 year old, and when it was time to go in and get her drivers license, she, all on her own, without any discussion before hand, requested to have her learners permit renewed for one more year. When the lady at the desk told her of course she could, but if Jennifer didn't mind her asking, why had she chosen to do this, Jennifer response was simply that she didn't feel ready yet, that she would like more time behind the wheel first.
Now most people don't know that Jennifer was home schooled from her second year as a sophomore, until she graduated. She had extreme social anxiety. Which came about to light after her first year as a sophomore. She was suddenly missing school, calling me at work with a variety of excuses such as she had missed the bus, or she didn't feel well. (I was working a graveyard shift at the time) and she was getting physically ill at just the thought of going to school.
So we looked into home schooling. It really isn't anything like the school system offers now...with a computer, class time schedules, etc. The only one we could find, that was accepted by the Nevada school district, we had to pay for ourselves, I think it was $180 a month (maybe that was a week, it's been so long I don't remember.) Anyway, the work was actually ridiculously easy and we constantly had to push her to finish. She did graduate, got a diploma and everything. Did we make the right decision? I don't know.
So, today is exactly six months since my daughter died. I personally think I am in worse shape now, then I was a few months ago. I cry almost daily, and now I am depressed a lot.
I just miss her so damn much all the time.
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