For so long now I have been the "rock" that holds us together. But I am not made of a piece of rock...I hurt too! I hurt just as bad as he does. I'm so tired, of being the one who has to be the strong one.
Is it my fault that he can't or won't believe? No!! It is not. He talks about Jennifer being gone. He talks about how I am lucky that I do believe, in God, in the afterlife, in Jennifer. But just because I do believe in all of the above, doesn't make the pain any less bearable.
I suggested that we pray together each night, and we have, for the last several days. But after the prayers are said he always goes off on this tangent, about Jennifer is really gone, and then all the guilt he feels has to be brought up again and again. It doesn't seem to matter what I say, it's somehow all his fault...the bipolar, the same issues he experienced in school that she experienced, but that he never shared with her.
I am so sick and tired of always having to sooth him, and constantly having to reassure him that she is indeed in Heaven, and he based to be patient.
Anyways it always ends with him crying, and constantly telling me that he just needs for Jennifer to say "Daddy, it's OK, we were wrong". It's always about what he needs... never, ever has he asked me what I might need also. No, because I have to be the "rock" he needs. It is always about what he needs.
I miss her too. Desperately!! Right now, after the usual what he needs, I just pulled away from him. I left him in bed, and even with the door closed I could hear him crying. But for once I didn't stay to sooth him.
Who is there to sooth me? Not him.
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