After my breakdown yesterday evening I had difficulty falling to sleep, as I was still in pieces, trying to gather myself back together. Some times it is harder than others.
So, after much tossing and turning, I finally drifted off to sleep. Unfortunately it wasn't a restful sleep. I awoke several times during the night, finally getting up around 3:00 am, thinking maybe a cup of Sleepy time tea might help. So after my tea I once again went back to bed, and slept a couple more hours, and at 5:30 am I finally gave up and got up.
I went out onto the patio, it is so nice at that time of the morning, the sun just coming up and it is nice and cool still. It usually gets very warm on the patio around 8:00 or 9:00, as we get direct sunlight till around 11:30 or so. It is always so quiet too that early in the morning. Jennifer's favorite time of the day, especially when she was working at Starbucks. She always said she loved the quiet and watching the sun come up. (Normally she was not a morning person!).
I feel close to her usually at this time of the morning, except when I have a bad night. When that happens I don't want her to be upset with me, I want her to know that I am trying to live the way I know she would want me to, it is just so hard!
It is hard to try to be "happy", when I am dying inside.
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