On my mind

The last couple of weeks I have been so focused on everything about my surgery that my baby girl has graciously allowed space in my head for something else to be primary. Now that everything is set, my mind and heart ache that she is not here. I so need her right now. She would be telling me about how she would be going to take care of me when I come home, she would be soothing my worries, reassuring me that everything is going to be alright.

But she isn't here. I remember when I had some major dental work done, and I was in so much pain, and how she held me in her arms as I sat on the side of my bed and cried. She got me through that! She was my rock. 

I pray that she will be with me, at my side through this whole thing. I have to believe that she will be watching over me, and even though I can't see her, or touch her, that she will be with me. 

I miss her so very much all the time. And it is so hard, this grief. It has taken over my husband's life...sometimes I wonder if she is upset with the way that I am not really grieving for her yet, I spend so much energy on Tony, because he is so overwhelmed right now, and that I have to pay attention to everything else. But that was always the way with our family. I always was the one who took care of everyone and everything. I hope she can see that that's what I am still doing.

I know there will come a time when I will be able to just think about her, and nothing else. I pray that Tony will be able to get to that place he needs to get to. I hope she always knows that she is and always will be the center of my heart and my very reason for living.