Too much stress

Lately all that is in our lives is stress. Tony has to have surgery on his back, he has been out off work since June 7th, and we have applied for his FMLA and it just finally got approved. Now we are stressing about when his surgery can be scheduled, if it doesn't get scheduled right away, he won't have enough time for recovery. And then he will be at risk of losing his job, which all our medical insurance is tied to. Right now he gets 60% of his check, and I am still on unemployment. My application for disability still has not been approved, so I can't go forward with my surgery, and my pain isn't being controlled anymore on the medication regimens they have me on. I really need that disability to come through immediately so I can get my back fixed.

And since he has been off he has so much time now to think about Jennifer. Needless to say, life has been very rocky lately. He cries everyday, saying how much he misses Jennifer. The other night, he suddenly bolted straight up and got out of bed, saying, where is Jennifer, why is that girl here? I kept telling him that no one was here, but he went straight to her room and opened the door looking for Jennifer and this girl she used to know, that he didn't like. Always said she was no good and a bad influence on her. When he saw the empty room, he kind of came out of it, and then he started crying, saying Jennifer is dead. I finally got him back into bed, but it took a while for him to calm down and go back to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore. I told him he had to go back to see that bereavement therapist again, that he has to talk to a professional. He agreed thankfully, so I am setting up an appointment with her as soon as possible.

It is very difficult at times, always being the strong one. I am not saying that he isn't strong for me when I lose it, he is. It's just that I am the strong one most of the time...I guess God is helping with that, He gives me the strength.

I am glad that I have my faith, I don't know where I or we would be without it. God gives me strength and He comforts me, He holds me up when I feel I can't possibly go on. I know my sweet Jennifer is with Him, and that she watches over us too. I miss her every second of everyday, I talk to her often, and when I say my prayers each night, I always tell her goodnight and tell her how much we love and miss her. 

I love you my Jennifer. Kisses, Mama.