Struck down again...

I have been so focused on Tony lately. His needs, after his surgery.  It is hard when suddenly things you each used to do, now you have to do all by yourself. I am not complaining, just not used to this. Realizing what he is going to have to go through when I have my back surgery done.

Was up watching tv and a new Carrie Underwood song came on, I think it's called "I will see you again," The words are very powerful all on their own, but the video that they put with it, had me in tears in seconds. Reminded me of Jennifer. Of how I will see her again...but also about how far away that seems right now.  I know that I will get to hold her again, and touch her beautiful face, hold her hand the way she and I always held hands..fingers interlaced. 

The pain hits when I least expect it, and it strikes me down, down to my knees, as the tears rain down my face, and my heart feels like it is being ripped out of my chest. 
Everyday, I get up and face a new day. A new day without my Jennifer. I long to hold her again.  And sometimes, no matter what you do to try to distract yourself, the pain will still find you.  I will hit you like a sledgehammer, taking your breath away, leaving behind nothing but emptiness.

It's a terrible feeling, this emptiness. Nothing will ever be the same in my life again.  Now the only thing that I long for is to be with her.  The only thing Tony longs for is to be with her. Neither one of us would bat an eye if something were to happen tomorrow that would take us away.

I have indeed prayed for death to come for me....many, many times. I have also talked to Tony about my praying for this, we are no longer afraid of death. Now we would welcome it with open arms, to take us, hopefully at the same time. 

So I will continue to pray for death. Every Night.  I know that God will take us when he is ready to and not before, but I can pray that that happens sooner rather than later, and I can pray that He takes us both at the same time.  I know my Jennifer is there waiting. She will be there for us, with arms outstretched, gathering us close to her, never to be parted again.

So, yes I pray for death.