Complicated

Came home yesterday at a decent time...the plan was for me to come home at a reasonable hour in the evening so that I could unwind a little, read or watch tv for an hour or so, then get ready for bed and get some actual, uninterrupted rest and some much needed sleep. Well that didn't actually go according to the plan. I did leave the hospital at a decent time, and planned on stopping by the store to get a couple of things...bread, yogurt, juice and some quick things to eat, but as I was getting closer to home I could feel myself getting more and more tired, so I decided I better just go straight home. 

I got home around 9:30, and ate a yogurt and got ready for bed, set the house alarm, set the alarm to get up in the morning, turned off all the lights and got into bed. I thought I would immediately fall into a blissful sleep. However, after tossing and turning for about an hour, I got up, thinking I would have a nice cup of tea and then maybe I could then go to sleep. That didn't work either. So I decided to write in my blog, again my brain "thinking" I just needed to unwind and maybe writing about all we had been through would help. I did that and again tried to lay down. Still sleep evaded me. That's when it hit me...the house felt so empty! It was too  quiet. Without Tony home I was restless and could not relax. Then I of course started thinking about when he had his last surgery, and WHY it wasn't a problem that time. I had Jennifer then. This time I was alone.

Now I am starting to get upset, my husband is in the hospital after having had surgery on his back, and my daughter...well she isn't here anymore. Now thoughts are running through my head, what if something happens to Tony? When I arrived home earlier in the evening, I called him to let him know I was home, and the call had gone to voicemail. I hadn't thought anything about it earlier, after all he was tired and pretty drugged up from the pain meds. Now of course my mind is running all over the place, as I started thinking all kinds of crazy things. Is he alright? Is he really just asleep and that's the only reason he hadn't answered the phone? Finally I told myself "Enough!". Tony is fine! Stop it and go to bed! 

So I took a xanax, and cried a little, (or maybe a lot.) talked to Jennifer for a while, said my prayers and finally went to bed.