Life has been more than a little crazy lately. Tony is having bad problems with his back and left leg. We went to see a spinal surgeon, and he had to have an MRI, and when we went to the doctor, he said there were three basic choices for Tony to make....try and learn to live with it and manage it with meds, secondly he could go and have an epidural injection, which when this very same thing happened several years ago, he actually had a series of I think five or six injections and they never really worked for him, or he could have surgery. After talking it all out, and taking into his current symptoms, (he can't sit for very long nor can he stand or walk very well) it really came down to his symptoms....he can't keep taking time off of work, they would probably let him go due to attendance issues, or he could go out on FMLA now, have the surgery done and just get back to normal faster. The doctor said that in about 25% of patients, they have a disc revolve. Unfortunately, Tony seems to be in that 25%. So we called the doctors office back and asked them to schedule Tony as soon as possible. He will have to get medical clearance, so it's probably a good thing that I just had him go to see my primary doctor and he ordered a bunch of lab tests. So he just needs to get a chest xray and an EKG.
Maybe for once we are ahead of the game. And since I worked at a hospital here in Las Vegas as a surgery scheduler, I got to know several of the different spine surgeons o we the years. So the doctor I took Tony to is the same one that is going to do my back surgery when the time comes for that.
It is going to make things a little right around here, we are going to have to go on a pretty struck budget until he can get back to work.
Oh well, something else to worry about, like we didn't already have more than enough on our plates as it is.
Although his back problem has taken our minds off of Jennifer a little, it still has been more than a little rough for both of us. I am very ashamed to admit that a week or two ago, I was so deeply depressed, I was sincerely thinking about suicide. I just want to be with my baby girl. There comes a time when every little thing that.keeps heaping on your shoulders becomes just simply too much to bear. I am ashamed with myself.....Jennifer would never want me to do something like that. It is just that there are some days where you truly don't think you can take just one more step. It all just becomes so overwhelming, and you just long to go and be with your child that was taken from you so young...So much before her time.
There are some days where I wonder what is the point to all of this anyways? I have to live the rest of my life without my daughter, and there will be no grand children, no walks down an isle to get married, there is only pain where those things should be.
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