Nothing is easy

Nothing is easy, as days go by it seems to be getting harder and harder. My husband says the same thing. I suppose the shock is wearing off and we are more acutely aware of the emptiness in our lives. I know that it seems to be harder and harder to get up each and every morning, knowing that Jennifer is not in her room, that she is not off back east visiting with my sister in law or at my mother in laws. At the beginning it was almost easy to pretend that none of this happened...that she really was off back east. Now that  shock is wearing off and I know that she isn't coming back. Not ever.

I still see her in the hospital or at the mortuary when my husband and I saw her for the very last time. What I remember most is how cold she was...in both instances. I long to be able to hold her close...to feel her next to me, to feel her warmth, to be able to touch her warm skin, to run my hand down the side of her face, feeling the softness of her cheek. To lay down and snuggle with her as we so often did in the past. Some of my best memories are of her and I laying next to each other in my bed, I would be stroking her back or we would just lay there together, hands entwined, fingers laced together, and just talk  each other. We could talk about serious things or just silly things. Sometimes all we would do is lay beside each other quietly. I would give anything for just one afternoon or evening with her that way.

She would spend her time with her dad a little differently. She would bring out the laptop and they would sit next to each other while she showed him funny things that she had found on the Internet, or they would watch TV together. They both shared the same sense f humor...very dry and quirky. Some of the things that they would laugh the hardest about I usually thought were stupid or juvenile. But they enjoyed them so much. They also shared similar taste in music, she would often call him into her room to listen to music together. 

He has had a very hard time since her death. He thinks he didn't know her well, or that he should have paid more attention to her. Maybe he should have. They often butted heads as people that are so similar do. Now, no matter what signs she gives  him, it always comes back to "I should have treated her better."  Nothing I say seems to help. I keep telling him that she has already forgiven him, he needs to forgive himself. But he hasn't, and I am beginning to think he never will. Until he does he will never move forward, he will never see all the signs she is giving to him. I am afraid that I am going to lose him too. I am lost, nothing is easy, everyday seems to get harder and harder.