It's the day after mothers day, I still feel like time has not moved forward. I am missing Jennifer so much!!! I know I was stuffing my feelings down during the past couple of weeks, so I guess my mind wants me to deal with them now. I am not ready to do that quite yet. It still hurts so much. My heart still feels like it has been ripped out of my chest.
When people find out that my daughter passed away, they always tell me they know what I am feeling because they lost a friend or a parent, grandparent, uncle, aunt etc. I don't say anything but I think to myself, you really have no idea what I am going through. You did not lose a child. I know that they are just trying to be understanding, but after hearing it over and over again, you almost want to say, no, you really don't know what I am going through. Then I feel bad for even thinking that way, telling myself that I am being bitchy. Who ever is telling me they understand, are just trying to give me some support in their own way. I feel ashamed at myself for thinking that they don't get it, and if they have children, I pray to God that they never do.
I s supposed to go to a Red Hat Society function today. It's theme was a mothers day tea party. When I got the evite, I marked maybe on if I would be attending, I was just starting to get very emotional about mothers day coming up. I had already bought my mom a mothers day card every time I looked at it I would just start crying. My husband finally told me to put it away so I wouldn't have to see it everyday. He told me my mom would understand. So I put it in my dresser and that did help somewhat. I called my mom on mothers day, and explained that I had gotten her a card but every time I would go to sign it I would get upset. You see, anytime I would send a card out for someone I would always sign it love Donna, Tony and Jennifer. I couldn't make myself write that.
So now it's the day after mothers day and I still feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I have difficulty getting out of bed each morning, knowing that it just one more day without my Jennifer. Nevertheless, I get up, making myself a cup of coffee and then deciding what I should eat. I really don't want anything, but I know logically that I have to eat. I usually decide on a piece of toast. Stupid mundane things I pretty much do on autopilot. I suppose that it's good to have some sort of schedule, such as do I have any appointments that I might have, is there laundry that needs to be done or any other chores that I need to do. Usually on most Monday's there is some sort of Red Hat Society function, so that pretty much takes care of Monday. The rest of the week is generally pretty quiet. Now that it has gotten so hot, I prefer getting up earlier, so if I have to go out I like to get it done in the morning. So I am usually home the rest of the day. Unfortunately this gives me the rest of the day to try and stay occupied. Otherwise the day will quickly spiral down, and I am thinking about Jennifer, missing her, wishing that this was all just a bad dream.
I seem to miss her more and more, and the hurt seems to grow day by day. Will I ever get to the point where I am not in constant pain every minute of everyday? I don't know. Right now that seems so far away and so unreachable. I know that there won't be a day that goes by without me thinking of her, missing her. I don't know how much mental anguish any one person can endure. I suppose that everyone is different. There are certainly people I know, from support group and others I have met, that are still getting through each passing month, year. My husband tells me that I am strong, five times stronger than he is. But I don't really think that's the case. I think I have to be the stronger one right now. That doesn't an that I always will be. In fact I am starting to see some cracks in my armour...I seem to be more venerable to my emotions taking over lately. I only know that I could not do this without him.
I miss you Jennifer so very much. I would do just about anything to turn back time and have you with me again. I love you.
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