I am so very tired. Everything is always about Tony' s pain or Tony' s problems with dealing with his grief. OUR daughter died! Not just his. But it's always about his crying, about his not being able to handle even driving down a street. The psychiatrist asked Tony if he would consider going to a hospital...a mental facility. And you know what Tony' s response to that was? He started crying and said he couldn't go to somewhere Jennifer had been.
What does that have to do with where he can go and get some help? Nothing.
I am so tired of being the one who has to hide my tears from him, because it will just get him started and then guess who gets comforted. Not me. No, I have to swallow back my pain and my tears as though I am not hurting too. And when one of the pain meds made him weird and he was yelling Jennifer's name, (which was like a knife to my heart) he is the one who needs to be soothed. He is the one who gets the hugs, and whispered words of it is all going to be alright.
I am exhausted. I don't want to live my life like this. And this is exactly how the rest of my life will play out. Kind of makes you really think long and hard about is this really worth it? Do I really and truly want this to be my life from now on?
All I have to those questions right now is I don't know.
I miss my daughter so very much. All I want to do is be with her. Away from all of this.
I am even tired of only praying for him. For him to get his "no doubt sign". I even found a prayer group online today. And they ask you three questions. One is to kind of put a title of what is going on, or what your need is. The second question is telling them a little to what brought you here. Basically a brief description of what has been going on. And the third question is what do you want the prayer group to pray for you about. So I wrote it all down and submitted it.
Then I went back later to see if anyone was praying for us, and I read what I had written. Every single line was practically about him. About how hard of a time he was having, about how frightened he was of losing his job, about how his grief over losing Jennifer was taking over his life. About how afraid I was that his grief was surely going to kill him, how afraid I was that he would indeed die from a broken heart. I also wrote about the time he told me that he wished he had died when Jennifer had. And then when he had his surgery, how he wished he would die on the operating table.
After I read it all I realized that everything in "our" life is all about Tony. None of the prayers were for or about me. So what am I to think of that?
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