Being on autopilot

Have you ever gone through a whole day and not remember what you did or if you went somewhere? I have , I've noticed it a lot since Jennifer passed. And sometimes I have even do it when I am with my husband. 

I have gone to a grocery store, armed with my shopping list and my coupons and gone through the store basically on autopilot, getting things I buy every time I shop...milk, juice, soda etc. And I will pick up a few other things just because I see them, not because I was using my shopping list. Then when I check out I don't use a single coupon, even if I just happened to put a coupon item in the cart. I go home, unload the perishable groceries, and my husband will get the heavier items when he gets home, because of my back problems I am not supposed to lift anything heavy.  Much later, usually when I am fixing our dinner, I realize that the item I needed, to make what I had planned to make, I never even bought. 

I live my life like that a lot since Jennifer passed away. I don't have to think or be aware of things that way. I am numb. Because being numb is much easier than not. If I am not numb then I have to feel, and if I have to feel then there is nothing but pain. Of course there are days when I am anything but numb, when all I do or all I think about is Jennifer. I miss her.  

I miss my before life. When Jennifer was always near. I could be in her room, with her, and we could be laying on the bed together, maybe holding each other's hand, just talking. Sometimes, we would sit on her bed, watching something on the computer. Before long we would both be laying down, propped up on her pillows.  She loved it when we would snuggle together. We were so comfortable with one another that sometimes words were not needed. Just being together was enough. I have never been closer to anyone else, than I was with my daughter.  I miss her more everyday.