Saturday afternoon

Saturday, it is just another day to me as I am not working presently. However for my husband, Tony, it's a day to pretty much do nothing. This has been an ongoing "argument" for us, as I like to do the shopping for the coming week and any other chores that I need him to help me with. The oil needs to be changed in my car, his car needs a new tire, as he got a flat tire on Friday.  Mundane, normal weekend things that most people do on the weekend.

But our weekends or weekdays haven't been "mundane" or even close to normal since December 5th, 2012. That was the day our lives were forever changed, and life as we once knew it would never be the same. I remember writing  on a calender, "Life changed forever" on that date when we came home from the hospital. That calendar still hangs in her room, forever on the month of December. I can still barely go into her room, everything is exactly as it was on the day she died. I can't bring myself to do anything with her room. I suppose in time I will eventually have to do something with it. I don't want to make it into a shrine, and we will most likely move from this place next year. We renewed our lease in February for a year, but I don't see us staying here for longer than that. Just before we renewed the lease, my husband and I were trying to decide how long we were going to renew for. He was worried, that if we moved, Jennifer wouldn't be able to find us. Such a simple question that broke my heart.

It hasn't been a very good day....I have broken down a few times today.  The wave just hits and takes me under. My heart hurts, tears bleed from my eyes, I am broken. 

Our cat, Chansey is sitting in front of her bedroom door. He wants to go in there. He keeps looking at me and meowing, over and over again. I try to push him away from there, try to distract him, but he is very determined for some reason. He keeps going back, sitting in the same spot and meowing at me. He is a very "talkative" cat, and tells you what he wants very clearly. And right now he is telling me over and over again to let him in her room. I have read that animals are sensitive to things, I don't know why he wants in there so bad. 

I finally decide to open her door, and he immediately goes in. I follow, watching him, he goes to her desk and then turns to look at me,  I am already crying...her sent still lingers faintly, I am consumed with the emptyness of her room. This is so difficult. I am crippled with grief, I fall to my knees beside her bed, clutching at her comforter. The tears fall and land on her bed. I tell her how much I miss her, over and over again.  I hope for something....from her. Maybe a touch, or a whisper from her. The cat is now laying down in front of her closet and he is purring. I am not near him, no one is touching him, yet he is acting as if someone has been petting him. I am frozen next to her bed, tears still raining down my face, as I tell her how much I love her and how much I miss her. I cannot breath from the pain and desolation I feel. I pick myself up and nudge the cat out the door.